1 month

If you had asked me a few weeks ago whether or not I thought we’d make it to 1 month alive and healthy, I’d probably have told you no. This has been the hardest month of my life. I’ve dealt with my mother staying with us for a week (possibly the hardest part of the past month), mastitis, thrush, sleep deprivation to the extent that I wouldn’t have believed possible, and just lately, ridiculous high pitched screaming at all hours of the day and night. Oh, and bodily fluids. I’ve been cried on, sneezed on, barfed on, peed on and pooped on, all in just the last day.

But we made it. We had G’s 1 month checkup this morning. At his 2 week checkup, he was:

9lb 1oz (70%)
21.25 inches (85%)
36.4 cm head circ (70%)

Now, at 1 month:

10lb 9.5oz (70%)
22.75 inches (94%!)
38 cm head circ (72%)

How crazy is that? It’s no wonder he’s outgrown all his newborn clothes… he’s not terribly chunky, but he’s so tall! (I told my husband that I know percentiles don’t work this way, but I can’t help but want to aim for 100… those 70’s are taunting me with their average-ness. I think it’s the overachiever in me.)

He got his second Hep B shot today. Next visit is a month from now, and it’s the big vaccination visit. I’m a little nervous about that one, because it’s not uncommon for babies to have reactions after. I know I usually feel grouchy and a little flu-like after I get my flu shot, so I imagine he might react that way, too.

Last night I got about 5 hours of sleep (split into three shorter naps). I feel almost refreshed. Now we just have to make it to 2 months, alive and healthy. We’ll see.

4 weeks

How has it been 4 whole weeks since I met this little person who has changed my entire world forever? How has it already been 4 weeks? How has it only been 4 weeks?

The first time we left the house after getting home from the hospital was the Friday after he was born. We had to make a trip about 30 minutes into the city to go to the pediatrician’s office for the first time. It was so surreal. We pulled into the parking lot and there were people working on the landscaping around the building. Just… shoveling mulch and walking around and going on with their every day as if everything hadn’t just changed forever. It was so weird to see life going on as usual, when my entire world had … just… I mean… it hadn’t just changed. Everything was the same, but so different that it was insane to think that it hadn’t changed for some people. The whole world was different.

It’s been like that for 4 weeks now. How is that possible? My new normal. I sleep in 2-3 hour shifts for around 6 hours daily. I feed a person with juice from my nipples (and he’s THRIVING.) He’s my first thought all the time. I can’t believe 4 weeks and 1 day ago, I’d never smelled the top of his head (baby heads smell ah-mazing) or his sweet breath (baby breath smells amazing, too). I’d never seen his eyes or the way he sleep-smiles. I can’t believe it was so recently that I’d never kissed his feet or his fingers, and I can’t believe that it’s been so long since he was brand new.

He outgrew a couple of his outfits already. I tried to put his Halloween costume on him yesterday (it’s black skeleton footie pajamas!) and they wouldn’t even pull all the way up. He was several inches too long for them… how did he grow so much in just two weeks? The outfit we brought him home in, too. He’s too big for it. I had to pack away a few of his new outfits and get out some 0-3 month stuff.

I might have cried a little.

I want him to grow, but every day is bittersweet. I’m so tired most days that I’m worried I’ll forget all these things. I’m worried I’ll wake up tomorrow and he’ll be a little boy, then a teenager, then an adult, and I won’t have any idea where all the time went. Just like the last 4 weeks. How did it go so fast?

What has week 4 brought us? Other than an overly sentimental mama, that is.

* Thrush. Mastitis is gone, and thrush has taken its place. TMI my nipples are so itchy that I want to cut them off. There’s itching and burning pain, stabbing, piercing pain when he eats. It’s seriously miserable. I’m washing everything in vinegar and hot water every day and I have a prescription cream that I have to pick up today… insurance doesn’t cover it and it costs $100. OMG. What if I couldn’t afford it? I’d have to live with this itch? I’d die. And G’s pediatrician won’t treat him because there are no visible patches of thrush in his mouth. I KNOW he has it… he’s the little shit who transferred it from my left boob to my right one (so now both are miserable). If I get rid of it, and he still has it, he’ll just give it to me again. We see the pediatrician on Friday for his 1 month visit (aaahhhhh) so I’m hoping they will help me then.

* He’s discovered his tongue in the past week or so. He doesn’t poke it out as much as he will just play with it in his mouth. And he makes “chewing” movements, too, which is funny. He has no idea what chewing is.

* He’s progressed to holding his head up for a while during tummy time, but he’s also progressed to whining and crying within seconds of being set on his tummy. I’m trying to trick him into it by holding him on my chest and making him have tummy time that way. We need some head control already, floppy head babies are boring!

* I finished the entire How I Met Your Mother series in under 4 weeks while nursing and watching him sleep to make sure he doesn’t stop breathing (what, I can’t be the only new mom who does this). Everyone was right. That ending was f’ign stupid. Seriously. I’m pretending I never saw the last stupid episode.

* It’s worth it. Having this baby, the shittiness of pregnancy, the SPD, the heartburn and insomnia and mood swings. The contractions and the two hours of pushing. The pain of recovery. The sleep deprived breakdowns. My current inability to eat anything because I don’t want to disturb the baby sleeping in my lap… it’s finally worth it. When did that switch flip? I’m not sure. But I don’t just love this little guy, I like him too. And I need him. I’ve never… I didn’t know you could love something this much.

* Still, sometimes it sucks. Yesterday, I had to put him down and walk away for a while because he wouldn’t stop screaming no matter how much I tried to soothe him, and it was either that or lose my mind. (Note, I went and got a drink of water and when I came back a minute later, he stopped crying as soon as I picked him up. Apparently he was screaming for no reason whatsoever, except that he thinks screaming is awesome.)

3 weeks

So what did week 3 of life bring us? Mastitis. That’s what it brought. You have no idea. On Wednesday, I felt a little off while we were breastfeeding. I thought maybe Lil G had a bad latch or something, and I kept pulling him off and making him relatch, but there was pain anyway. We nursed through it, then he went to sleep for a good 4.5 hours. 4.5 HOURS guys! When he woke up, I put him on the other boob, and he nursed just fine and then went back to sleep for another 2-3 hours. When I woke up again… the pain. Oh my god THE PAIN. My left boob was rock hard and the amount of pain was just… indescribable. And this is from someone who just went through LABOR.

I ended up nursing through the pain, but I was shaking and crying the whole time. When my husband woke up for work, I asked him to bring me a thermometer. I kept checking my temperature, and over the course of an hour, it shot up two degrees before settling back down (half an hour after 600 mg of ibuprofen, which didn’t even touch the pain but helped with the crazy fever). I had chills and was sweating and shaking. The pain was just OMG THE PAIN. But everything on the internet said I had to nurse through it and get the hard spots out, so I did. Shaking, crying, sweating, shivering and cursing the day I decided to breastfeed. I decided to give up on breastfeeding that morning. I decided to cut my left boob off. It was that painful.

My husband went to work and luckily my little guy slept, because I was not in any condition to care for him. I just nursed him every time I could, and ratcheted up the heat close to 80 degrees and covered myself with every blanket I could find (I was so f’ing cold) and just shivered and cried for a few hours. By the time the pediatrician’s lactation consultant got back to me, I’d gotten the lumps out and my fever was down, but I was still horror-struck by the pain. I still am, almost a week later. I’m terrified it’ll happen again.

Anyway. I’m on antibiotics now and on a strict pumping/nursing regimen. I feel better, but I’m so worried it’ll happen again.

What else happened this week?

* The rest of little G’s belly button finally came off. He has the cutest little innie now.

* We got through one more week of life (and sleep deprivation).

* I bought a Fisher Price Rock n Play so maybe he can nap in it during the day so we can be upstairs or downstairs without having to lug the Pack and Play around. I’m not sure how I like it yet. He rests really well in it and doesn’t need the swaddle because he doesn’t really flail his arms around or startle, but the way it cradles his head, his chin rests a little too close to his chest. I don’t think I’ll trust it for long sleeps, just naps when I’m also awake. At least until he has more head control.

* G outgrew the newborn size diapers and he’s wearing size 1 now. A little bittersweet… he’s growing, which is good because it means he’s doing well and the faster he grows, the sooner he will be sleeping longer and hopefully be interacting with us a little (he’s kind of this nonresponsive lump right now) but sad because he’s only 3 weeks old and he’s already so different from when he was born.

* He used to have this sort of soft fat layer under all his skin. Like, when I would kiss his forehead, it was kind of squishy with fat. It’s not anymore. Just skin over bone now. I wonder how many other little things have changed that I haven’t noticed because I see him every day.

* We’ve started doing tummy time. He doesn’t hate it, but doesn’t really like it either. I hope he gets some head control soon so we can start having fun on the floor.

* G’s still stuffed up from his cold, but he seems to be getting better. I’m not worried about fever anymore, and I’m glad we dodged that this time. Hopefully we make it through the next few months with no more sickness for either of us.

 

2 weeks

Well, little G is officially two weeks (and one day) old. Here’s what’s going on lately:

* He has his first cold. How? I have no idea. It’s not like we’re out and about, letting germy people touch him. I can only guess we picked it up at the pediatrician’s office, because it’s the only place he’s gone. Either that, or my husband picked it up at work because they’re both sick. G has a stuffy nose and junky-sounding lungs. He’s not really coughing, but he is having trouble nursing and sleeping because the stuffy nose. Me? I’m fine, apparently the cold passed me by. Just exhausted because G has decided that he cannot sleep unless he’s upright and strapped to my chest. A few times a day, I use the Nosefrida snot sucker to suck the snot out of his tiny nose. It works really really well… but I seriously gag every time I use it. Like, I have to concentrate pretty hard on not barfing on the baby, every single time I use it. The other lifesaving thing I’ve got going right now is the Baby K’tan. I (somewhat optimistically) said I’d review it in depth after the baby was here, but I severely overestimated the amount of free time (and well rested brain cells) I’d have available. So a short review – I like it because it keeps him safely strapped to me so I can do things like type or eat, since he cannot abide being put down right now (poor sick baby) and it’s easy to use since I don’t have to actually wrap or tie anything. I dislike it because the fabric is really thick and it’s quite hot. We both end up a little sweaty. And the fabric has enough stretch that after wearing it for a while, he’s a little loose in there, and since there are no ties, I can’t just tighten it. I really really wish I could have a Solly Baby Wrap. I’ve heard good things, they seem quite lightweight and they’re seriously pretty, but I can’t justify the expense since I already have a wrap-style carrier. Maybe I’ll ask for one for Christmas. :)

* Before the cold hit, he actually slept for 4.5 hours in a row one night. He’s back down to around 2-3 hours asleep and then waking up congested and whining (or screaming) but I’m hopeful for when the cold’s over.

* The only reason he’s sleeping at all is because a very dear friend basically saved all of our lives by dropping off some things for us to use. The first is a Boppy pillow. I don’t use it for nursing. Instead, we have it inside his pack and play, covered with a stretchy Aden + Anais swaddle blanket (seriously LOVE these, they’re so super versatile) to make a sort of baby lounging donut/hammock thing. We swaddle him in a Summer Infant SwaddleMe velcro swaddle thing, pretty tightly, and then lay him on his back on top of the Boppy donut. First of all, yes, I know the recommendation to lay him flat on his back in a bassinet/crib with nothing else in there with him, or else he’ll probably die of SIDS or suffocation. I know the recommendation, and I swore up and down that I would follow it religiously. That was until day 5 of absolutely NO sleep, when I had a breakdown and started just sobbing and sobbing because, hello, I hadn’t slept in almost a week, during which I pushed a human from my nethers and honestly needed some recovery time. Now, he sleeps well on top of the Boppy for a few hours at a time, and wakes only when he’s hungry or has a dirty diaper. (Note for the future, since this is the sort of thing I’ll probably forget: The friend who dropped off the Boppy and swaddles has two daughters. What this means is that every night, my sweet son goes to sleep in a bright pink swaddle with polka dots on it. I accidentally think of him as “her” sometimes late at night because of all the pink.)

* Yesterday morning, little G was strapped to my chest with the K’tan and I needed to poop. So I decided to leave him on my chest and just go. While I was pooping, he decided it sounded like a good idea so he started pooping too. We had a simultaneous pooping party. (I’ve since decided not to do this anymore, and put him in the bouncy chair in the bathroom and run the shower for the steam while I do my thing.)

* I’ve been taking his temperature every time I change his diaper since a fever in a small baby can be devastating. Did you know that when you stick something in a baby’s butthole, it has a laxative effect? I found that out yesterday when we went through THREE diapers in the course of a single 10 minute long diaper change.

* 90% of my awake time is spent dealing with or thinking about poop. Motherhood. It’s so beautiful.

 

And in other news… I love this little human so much that it’s overwhelming sometimes. I would give my life for his. I’d give your life for his, too. I’d sacrifice everything for him. But I still don’t like him a lot of the time. And it’s very weird for me to think of his as “mine”. My baby. My child. So weird. My husband and I were sitting in the living room last night talking about how it still seems surreal that he belongs to us. Like, I’m still half waiting for his parents to show up and give me $20 for watching him and then send me on my way back to my real life. I think this is also a side effect of the sleep deprivation. Nothing seems quite “real” ever.

I’m also still waiting for it to be “worth it”. So many people will have a baby and then immediately talk about how pregnancy and labor were soooo hard, but this little face makes it all worth it. I think that’s bullshit. It’s not worth it yet. Maybe when he’s more than a brain stem attached to a body. When he has a personality trait that isn’t either “asleep” or “screaming”. Maybe when he first purposely smiles at me. I don’t know. But I do know that it’s not worth it yet, and I definitely don’t want to do it ever again. I love him, but life is so much harder than it ever was without him and it’s just honestly not worth it yet. Hopefully soon. Hopefully he’ll get over his cold, and I’ll be able to sleep in my own bed (I’m still on the couch because of how erratic his sleeping is, and I don’t want to keep my husband up all night since he has to work) and hopefully it’ll all be worth it sometime soon.

1 week postpartum

This is so much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be.

My mom is here helping with the cooking, but having someone else in the house is very hard. She watches the baby when I shower, but I do almost all of the baby care still. I feel like I have to entertain her and she has let me know over and over how bored she is, so I have a hard time napping during the day. I’m the sole person on night shift, since my husband has gone back to work, and I spend all my time trying to make sure his crying doesn’t wake anyone, so I sleep almost not at all. I’m so tired that my body hurts. I have stomach upsets every day and I know I need to eat more to breastfeed successfully, but I just feel so sick all the time.

I had a breakdown on Friday night. I just cried and cried, I was so tired. He wouldn’t sleep on his back, but everyone says that if you sleep with him or let him sleep in any other position than flat on his back, he’ll basically just die. I was having weird micro-sleeps where I’d go into an incredibly deep sleep for a minute or so with the baby in my arms. This is a very bad situation, because it was on the couch or the recliner… now THAT really is dangerous. I was worried I’d kill my baby or ruin him in some way.

I have a very dear friend who helped me. She dropped off some swaddles and a boppy. Now, he sleeps in the pack and play on top of the boppy… and he sleeps. And he’s surviving just fine. He sleeps well during the day, but not very well at night. We try to be active in the daytime and very quiet at night, to flip his schedule. Right now I sleep in one hour intervals a few times a night. I think it’ll be better when my mom leaves. I’ll nap during the day then, too.

I’m still worried I’ll ruin him. I’m worried about diaper rash and flat spots on his head today.

So tired.

baby g

Introducing Little G, my sweet baby bear.

20141023_140646

 

Born by scheduled induction at 40+2 on October 21, 2014.

8lb 3oz
21.25 inches long
Thick dark hair
Daddy’s lips and mommy’s eyes

40 weeks – baby’s due date

Dear baby,

What the eff? We talked about this, remember? You are due to have arrived by today, and we discussed the importance of being punctual. I hope you’re not going to make a habit of showing up late. It’s a very inconsiderate trait. And I know, I know, it’s a little early to have put you on a schedule already, but baby, we’ve got lives to get to. I can’t just sit around waiting for you when we had an agreed-upon date of arrival. And don’t go telling me that babies come when they’re ready, and that due dates are imprecise. We both know how long you’ve been in there and I say it’s been long enough.

Just so you know, daddy and I are planning to evict you shortly. Now, you can show up on your own, or we can help you along if you’re feeling reluctant. Either way… I can’t wait to meet you.

Love,
Mommy

After a few scary symptoms last week (sudden swelling in my ankles and feet, flashing lights in my vision, headache) I decided to move my Thursday appointment up to Tuesday. So I saw a doctor on October 14, and the doctor decided that my symptoms weren’t severe enough to be truly worrisome, but since everything seemed to be “favorable” she wanted to get him out sooner rather than waiting so she scheduled an induction for October 21. I was really hoping that he would come on his own, but so far it seems like he’s still quite comfortable and not planning on showing up any time soon. So unless something drastic happens in the next two days, labor will be induced Tuesday morning. One way or another, there will probably be a baby by Wednesday at the latest.

Let’s be honest about the feelings/emotions going on right now:

I’m scared about pitocin, scared of the pain and worried about the general unpredictable nature of what’s about to happen. I really don’t want to be cut, even though I understand a c-section is totally routine and I’d be fine if it happened… I’m not worried about “failing” at labor/childbirth. I’m just extremely averse to being cut.

I’m also anxious, but not in a scared way. Nervous, excited, stressed… they all sort of feed into this anxiety. And I think a lot of that comes from just generally not knowing what’s going to happen. What does a labor pain even feel like? Will I be crazed with pain? What is pushing like? I’ve never done this before, and I have no idea what it will be like.

I’m also really ready. I’m ready to meet my baby. I want to know this little person who has been growing inside my body. I feel like I know things about him already. He likes to have his hands up by his face a lot (I wonder if he’ll hate being swaddled, or if he’ll need to be swaddled to calm his little fists of fury down). He doesn’t kick as much as he just stretches. I feel like he’s kind of relaxed and laid back, a lot like my husband in temperament. Is that weird? That I feel like I know him? I hope I like him.

I’m also excited. I spent a lot of time on Saturday visiting a friend who has two daughters, one of them just six months old. And we talked and talked about labor and childbirth and the first few postpartum days, and she helped to calm me and really help me feel more excited and less fearful. I feel like this is something I can do, being a mom. So I’m excited to have him out and in my arms finally.

And lastly, I’m tired. I’m tired of the hormonal mood swings (I wanted to divorce my husband for the millionth time since getting pregnant for something that was relatively simple to remedy with five minutes or so of talking) and I’m tired of the constant peeing (seriously, I sit and pee, then I lean to one side and pee some more, lean to the other side and pee some more, wait two seconds and pee some more, finally finish and stand up, then sit back down and pee some more… finish and get back into bed, and then get up 20 seconds later to pee even more… it sounds funny, but it’s honestly miserable) the pelvic pain that makes me feel half-crippled, the itchy tummy, and the latest is the mid-to-upper back pain that Tylenol can’t even touch. I want to be honest about these things. I think (hope) this kid will be worth it, but so much of what I’m going through was never told to me beforehand. People joke about stretch marks or nausea, but my biggest physical problems have been the incredible amount of pain in my hips and pubic bone and now my back. I’m tired.

Hopefully the next time I update this, it will be with a baby announcement.

Birthing process update: 2 cm dilated, not sure how effaced or what station as the doctor didn’t say on Tuesday. I really dislike that doctor. She scheduled the induction without really consulting me about it. The biggest reason I’m going along with it is because my two favorite doctors are on call that day, so I know I’m going to be in good hands. If she’d scheduled me for a day when she was on call, I’d cancel. I don’t like or trust that doctor.

Anyway, induction scheduled for Tuesday, October 21. They’ll likely start me on pitocin and then break my water after a bit. I’m nervous, but ready.

Of course, he could still come on his own. 2 cm dilated is pretty good for a first time mom at this point and kind of shows that my body knows something should be happening. Had weird nesting urge and a huge burst of energy (I’m as surprised as you are) on Thursday and Friday where I cleaned and organized the baby’s room vacuumed upstairs and down and cleaned all three bathrooms and the kitchen. And I’ve been having BH contractions pretty regularly all night and most of the day. Still not anywhere on the pain scale (so I know they’re not “productive”) but at least my body’s doing something. Some cramping today, but nothing time-able. I’m still hoping he takes the lecture I gave him on punctuality to heart and decides to show up on his due date.

Nursery: We got our maternity photos back, so we’re going to print a few wedding and maternity photos to hang in the room. The frames are up, just empty right now. I cleared my sewing desk so it’s more organized looking in there, and I hung the felt name banner I made for him. He won’t be sleeping in there for a while, but it’s looking more like a nursery and less like a jumble.

Sleep: It’s been a little better this week. Sleeping on my side has gotten more comfortable (previously, my hips/pelvis would burn with pain when I slept on my side, even if I used a pillow between my knees, but this week it’s a lot nicer for whatever reason) I still don’t get much, what with the constant peeing, though.

What I miss: Not much this week. I still miss having my body to myself, but it’s not as bad. I’m mostly just excited and looking forward to meeting this little guy, too excited/nervous to miss much.

Best moment this week: Just sitting with a friend and having a really good, long, honest talk. She didn’t look at me like a ticking time bomb like most people. She didn’t treat me like a vessel/incubator. She was just my friend and we had a great visit and she was so calm and confident that it made me feel that way too. I’m so lucky to have such good friends.

Worst moment this week: The day that I spent thinking I should leave my husband because he didn’t understand that my back makes me want to cry with pain when I do dishes (it’s the weird leaning over motion, I think, because our sink is too low for me to stand comfortably upright). I forget that he can’t feel what I’m feeling and it’s hard for him to really really understand what this is like. Even easy pregnancy is kind of miserable.

Looking forward to: Still meeting my little boy.

Cravings: Anything sweet. Chocolate. And a cold cut sandwich, something with deli ham and pepperoni. Or a Publix sub. The Ultimate. That’s exactly what I want. A Publix Boar’s Head Ultimate. Too bad there isn’t a Publix nearby.

Symptoms: Lots of BH contractions, some cramping. Awful mood swings. Weird nesting/cleaning urge.

39 weeks

Dear Baby,

Get out.

Love,
Mommy

Birthing process update: Doctor says I’m 1 cm dilated, 50% effaced and -1 station. In other words… nothing is going on. The receptionist had me schedule the next two weeks worth of appointments, because she said the best way to get a baby to show up is to make plans that require him not showing up.

Last day of work was Friday, and I had some pretty intense “nesting” feelings going on (I almost panicked at work because my kitchen floor is too dirty and I needed to go home and clean it… went and bought some pine sol and haven’t bothered cleaning it yet because I’m tired) and a bit of an upset tummy on Saturday. Other than that, nothing. I know he still has a week left (and possibly two, since first time moms usually go 41 weeks) but really. He’s almost certainly healthy and fully cooked, and I’d rather he be out.

Nursery: It’s actually slightly less organized than it was before, because I got upset about not having curtains on the kitchen window, so I started measuring and cutting but haven’t sewn them yet. So there’s fabric all over the place. I guess I’ll have to take care of that this week.

Sleep: Sleep is still bad. Woke up a few times last night with a racing heart, not sure why. Starting to have mid-to-upper back pain and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been sleeping on the couch or what. Maybe it’s from the awful office chairs at work. Also having trouble breathing, because of the stuffy nose all the time. And lately it feels like my throat won’t stay open either! So I have a hard time falling and staying asleep.

What I miss: Sleeping. I know I won’t sleep in long stretches when baby gets here, but at least when I do sleep, I’ll be able to sleep comfortably.

Best moment this week: There have been a few. :) The first is just that I’m officially on maternity leave! My last day of work was Friday and it was so nice to leave knowing that I won’t have to go back until early next year. Now I just need a baby so I’m not wasting my leave time with no baby around!

The second was when hubs startled the baby. He likes to kiss my tummy, and blow raspberries on it. So last time he was blowing raspberries, I told him where the baby’s face probably was, and he blew a raspberry and startled baby so much he jumped! It made me laugh and laugh. So then he did it once more, and this time baby startled and then punched him right in the mouth! I was laughing so hard, I cried.

And finally, today we went to the Build-a-Bear store and bought baby’s first teddy bear. We wanted it to be something special, that we got him together. So we picked one out and did all the silly things (like picking out a little heart and giving it kisses and making wishes and all) and then had it stuffed. It’s so sweet.

Worst moment this week: Probably the most recent bad symptoms I’m dealing with – racing heartbeat, trouble breathing while trying to sleep, and earlier tonight I had some flashing lights in my vision and some pretty sudden swelling in my feet and ankles. Nothing awful, but enough that I’m probably going to call the doctor in the morning just in case.

Looking forward to: Meeting my little boy.

Cravings: Orange juice, kind of. It’s not a strong craving, but I really really want some. Also, chocolate milk and raisin bran (have I mentioned this one before?) I could eat it every morning (and do, most mornings).

Symptoms: BH contractions are still sporadic. Slightly scary high blood pressure symptoms. And the SPD pelvic pain and constant peeing, as usual. Also, add just being dead tired to that… I think a combo of not being able to sleep and being heavier than usual and just being ready to be done. I’m tired. :) Baby, it’s time to get out.

38 weeks 4 days

Yes, I’m counting down the days.

I had my weekly doctor appointment today and got checked for progress. Nothing. Nothing! I understand that we have another week and a half to go, but I am so ready not to be pregnant anymore! My huge gigantic shirts are now too small to cover my tummy so, yes, I walk around at work with a sliver of belly showing under my shirt. (I dare anyone there to say anything to me about it.) I wore flip flops to work yesterday because I don’t give a shit anymore. I think tomorrow’s my last day of work… I can’t sit there for 8 hours a day (in fact, I’m averaging 5.5 hours a day at work before I give up and go home.)

I’ve been having cramping and Braxton Hicks contractions all night long. And still, nothing. No progress at all. Nothing. Bah.

38 weeks

I’ve officially reached the bargaining stage of pregnancy. I’ve no idea what I can promise that would entice a fetus to show up two weeks early, though. And this says that there’s only a 1.6% statistical probability that I will go into labor today. (And less than 20% probability that I’ll go into labor within a week!) I’ve had no signs of impending labor, to the point that when the doctor offered a cervical check at my last appointment, we both said, at about the same time, “It would be pointless.” Because nothing’s happening. Apparently my womb is more comfortable than a five star hotel, and this baby never wants to leave. And I’m not even 40 weeks yet. I hope to heaven I do not go overdue. Doctor will let me go to 41 weeks, but baby, if you make me wait that long, you are so grounded.

We’re having my maternity photoshoot today. I’m anxious because I really have nothing suitable to wear. I have the same tired clothes I wear to work every week (a baggy gross dress from Target, three shirts that stretch out in a very unattractive way and a super-pilled skirt and dress from Old Navy) but nothing else fits. I have enough clothes, basically, to remain clothed at work (though calling what I wear “business casual” is reaaaalllly stretching the definition there) and on the weekends, I just wear next to nothing. Seriously. I wear a tank top that doesn’t cover my belly and sometimes I wear underwear. Most times I do not. Because nothing fits. See baby? This is why you need to come soon. So mommy can dress herself again. I mean, even pajamas and a sports bra would be better than this mess. I’d at least like to fit into a pair of underwear comfortably.

I’m half wanting to go to the mall and buy myself something decent to wear today… but refusing to buy any new clothes that I’ll only wear for another week or two (or three, god forbid).

Size of babe: Well… I guess right now he’s about the size of a newborn baby. :)

Birthing process update: Braxton Hicks contractions are now waking me up, maybe 2-3 times a night. Tummy will go all hard for a minute or so, then I’ll fall back asleep. They’re still around a 0-1 on the pain scale. I had a good one tonight while we were watching a scary movie. It lasted a long time, and maybe registered a 1-2 on the pain scale. I waited and waited, hoping for another, but nothing.

Was offered a cervical check, but the doctor didn’t see any point in checking and I didn’t want to be depressed at the lack of progress! I might get one around 39 weeks if he’s not here yet. For now, I don’t see the point. Nothing else is really going on. No nesting, none of the “flu-like symptoms” the books talk about, nothing. Even the mild cramping that was going on around 36 weeks has stopped!

Nursery: No new progress here either. I did set up the pack n play in the bedroom again, and put a sheet over the mattress on it. I read a tip saying to layer sheets with puppy pads (we got the adult incontinence version, so the dogs wouldn’t think it was a place to pee inside!) to make middle-of-the-night sheet changes easier. So I’ll probably end up doing that to the mattress. Puppy pad, sheet, puppy pad, sheet, in case I have to strip one set in the middle of the night. We haven’t done much else with the nursery, though. There isn’t much to do, except organize, and we don’t really have a place to put a lot of the miscellaneous stuff yet.

Sleep: Sleeping worse again since sometime last week. My hips burn with pain when I lay on my side, no matter how many pillows or rolled up blankets/towels I put between my knees. I have a confession… I’ve been sleeping on my back for most of the pregnancy. Everything I’ve read or heard of been told by doctors suggests that if something is reducing blood flow, I’ll know before it affects baby. Well, I’ve finally gotten to the point that laying on my back will sometimes make me feel kind of queasy  and make breathing feel weird. I can lay on my back and lean so that belly falls to the left, and I’m fine. But if belly leans to the right, I get queasy. So I’m guessing it’s compressing that vein when I do that. What this means is that my SPD is really, really flaring up again because I’m always on my side. So I rarely sleep and I’m exhausted all day long and I have a really short temper and constantly feel like crying. Anyone who says “Just wait! You’ll never sleep again with a newborn!” is a stupid, stupid person who has obviously never been in the later weeks of pregnancy. Even if I sleep rarely and sporadically with a newborn, it’ll be better than this rare, sporadic, intensely painful half-sleep I get now.

What I miss: Sleeping without pain.

Best moment this week: Waking up in the morning and rubbing my tummy. I think he goes to sleep in the early morning, because he’s very active at night, but in the morning, he’s very very still. So I lay there and rub my tummy pretty firmly and talk to him and tell him it’s time to wake up. And he stretches (he’s so big and strong now that I can just about feel my ribs creaking!) and kicks around a little bit before we get up for breakfast. I’m so looking forward to having him on the outside.

Worst moment this week: Has to be the trip to the grocery store, where (after several days of not pooping… again) I bought prune juice, raisin bran, stool softener and tucks pads. I didn’t even care that the cashier probably knew too much about my business. I don’t have room in my body for pride. I’m too full of poop.

Looking forward to: Labor. I know it’s a weird thing to look forward to, because it will be so stressful and painful, but it means that I get to meet my son. I feel like I’m in that first two-week-wait all over again, scrutinizing every twinge and cramp to see if it means something is happening with my body.

Cravings: Sweets in general, but nothing specific. I kind of want something sweet after every meal… I don’t know if it’s a “craving” or just a habit I’ve gotten into! I’ll have to kick it pretty fast… hubs and I decided that we’d find a way to make a gym membership work with our budget, so I’m going to be trying to eat well and get back in shape soon after this little guy is out! Probably not a Crossfit membership, but there’s a Crossfit gym nearby that has a gym-access membership for pretty cheap and they won’t think it’s weird if I’m doing my own WODs, whereas I’d probably be kicked out of a Planet Fitness or whatever.

Symptoms: Baby is floating in and out, dropping low and then coming back up. I think he’s higher today… not peeing as much. Was lower yesterday, with lightning crotch and peeing a ton. Some BH contractions, but nothing real. Developed a very sudden and kind of scary headache with some swelling in my hands and had a kind of hot flash with sweats last evening. Not sure why, but if the high blood pressure symptoms come back, I’ll call the doctor just to be sure everything’s still fine.

 

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