What the eff? We talked about this, remember? You are due to have arrived by today, and we discussed the importance of being punctual. I hope you’re not going to make a habit of showing up late. It’s a very inconsiderate trait. And I know, I know, it’s a little early to have put you on a schedule already, but baby, we’ve got lives to get to. I can’t just sit around waiting for you when we had an agreed-upon date of arrival. And don’t go telling me that babies come when they’re ready, and that due dates are imprecise. We both know how long you’ve been in there and I say it’s been long enough.
Just so you know, daddy and I are planning to evict you shortly. Now, you can show up on your own, or we can help you along if you’re feeling reluctant. Either way… I can’t wait to meet you.
After a few scary symptoms last week (sudden swelling in my ankles and feet, flashing lights in my vision, headache) I decided to move my Thursday appointment up to Tuesday. So I saw a doctor on October 14, and the doctor decided that my symptoms weren’t severe enough to be truly worrisome, but since everything seemed to be “favorable” she wanted to get him out sooner rather than waiting so she scheduled an induction for October 21. I was really hoping that he would come on his own, but so far it seems like he’s still quite comfortable and not planning on showing up any time soon. So unless something drastic happens in the next two days, labor will be induced Tuesday morning. One way or another, there will probably be a baby by Wednesday at the latest.
Let’s be honest about the feelings/emotions going on right now:
I’m scared about pitocin, scared of the pain and worried about the general unpredictable nature of what’s about to happen. I really don’t want to be cut, even though I understand a c-section is totally routine and I’d be fine if it happened… I’m not worried about “failing” at labor/childbirth. I’m just extremely averse to being cut.
I’m also anxious, but not in a scared way. Nervous, excited, stressed… they all sort of feed into this anxiety. And I think a lot of that comes from just generally not knowing what’s going to happen. What does a labor pain even feel like? Will I be crazed with pain? What is pushing like? I’ve never done this before, and I have no idea what it will be like.
I’m also really ready. I’m ready to meet my baby. I want to know this little person who has been growing inside my body. I feel like I know things about him already. He likes to have his hands up by his face a lot (I wonder if he’ll hate being swaddled, or if he’ll need to be swaddled to calm his little fists of fury down). He doesn’t kick as much as he just stretches. I feel like he’s kind of relaxed and laid back, a lot like my husband in temperament. Is that weird? That I feel like I know him? I hope I like him.
I’m also excited. I spent a lot of time on Saturday visiting a friend who has two daughters, one of them just six months old. And we talked and talked about labor and childbirth and the first few postpartum days, and she helped to calm me and really help me feel more excited and less fearful. I feel like this is something I can do, being a mom. So I’m excited to have him out and in my arms finally.
And lastly, I’m tired. I’m tired of the hormonal mood swings (I wanted to divorce my husband for the millionth time since getting pregnant for something that was relatively simple to remedy with five minutes or so of talking) and I’m tired of the constant peeing (seriously, I sit and pee, then I lean to one side and pee some more, lean to the other side and pee some more, wait two seconds and pee some more, finally finish and stand up, then sit back down and pee some more… finish and get back into bed, and then get up 20 seconds later to pee even more… it sounds funny, but it’s honestly miserable) the pelvic pain that makes me feel half-crippled, the itchy tummy, and the latest is the mid-to-upper back pain that Tylenol can’t even touch. I want to be honest about these things. I think (hope) this kid will be worth it, but so much of what I’m going through was never told to me beforehand. People joke about stretch marks or nausea, but my biggest physical problems have been the incredible amount of pain in my hips and pubic bone and now my back. I’m tired.
Hopefully the next time I update this, it will be with a baby announcement.
Birthing process update: 2 cm dilated, not sure how effaced or what station as the doctor didn’t say on Tuesday. I really dislike that doctor. She scheduled the induction without really consulting me about it. The biggest reason I’m going along with it is because my two favorite doctors are on call that day, so I know I’m going to be in good hands. If she’d scheduled me for a day when she was on call, I’d cancel. I don’t like or trust that doctor.
Anyway, induction scheduled for Tuesday, October 21. They’ll likely start me on pitocin and then break my water after a bit. I’m nervous, but ready.
Of course, he could still come on his own. 2 cm dilated is pretty good for a first time mom at this point and kind of shows that my body knows something should be happening. Had weird nesting urge and a huge burst of energy (I’m as surprised as you are) on Thursday and Friday where I cleaned and organized the baby’s room vacuumed upstairs and down and cleaned all three bathrooms and the kitchen. And I’ve been having BH contractions pretty regularly all night and most of the day. Still not anywhere on the pain scale (so I know they’re not “productive”) but at least my body’s doing something. Some cramping today, but nothing time-able. I’m still hoping he takes the lecture I gave him on punctuality to heart and decides to show up on his due date.
Nursery: We got our maternity photos back, so we’re going to print a few wedding and maternity photos to hang in the room. The frames are up, just empty right now. I cleared my sewing desk so it’s more organized looking in there, and I hung the felt name banner I made for him. He won’t be sleeping in there for a while, but it’s looking more like a nursery and less like a jumble.
Sleep: It’s been a little better this week. Sleeping on my side has gotten more comfortable (previously, my hips/pelvis would burn with pain when I slept on my side, even if I used a pillow between my knees, but this week it’s a lot nicer for whatever reason) I still don’t get much, what with the constant peeing, though.
What I miss: Not much this week. I still miss having my body to myself, but it’s not as bad. I’m mostly just excited and looking forward to meeting this little guy, too excited/nervous to miss much.
Best moment this week: Just sitting with a friend and having a really good, long, honest talk. She didn’t look at me like a ticking time bomb like most people. She didn’t treat me like a vessel/incubator. She was just my friend and we had a great visit and she was so calm and confident that it made me feel that way too. I’m so lucky to have such good friends.
Worst moment this week: The day that I spent thinking I should leave my husband because he didn’t understand that my back makes me want to cry with pain when I do dishes (it’s the weird leaning over motion, I think, because our sink is too low for me to stand comfortably upright). I forget that he can’t feel what I’m feeling and it’s hard for him to really really understand what this is like. Even easy pregnancy is kind of miserable.
Looking forward to: Still meeting my little boy.
Cravings: Anything sweet. Chocolate. And a cold cut sandwich, something with deli ham and pepperoni. Or a Publix sub. The Ultimate. That’s exactly what I want. A Publix Boar’s Head Ultimate. Too bad there isn’t a Publix nearby.
Symptoms: Lots of BH contractions, some cramping. Awful mood swings. Weird nesting/cleaning urge.